Golf Update

Another week of no golf.  We are encouraged that our club started taking tee times on Monday for the first week of May.  I now have a tee time for Wednesday, May 6 but I doubt it will ever happen.  The “shelter in place” current order expires on May 3 but I am assuming that it will be extended at least two weeks.  Perhaps golf courses will be allowed to open under some very strict guidelines.  I’ve heard about new USGA rules that will allow “gimmes” within five feet of the hole with the cup with a fixed flagstick.  It’s kind of ridiculous but I don’t care one bit.  I’ll play if I have to walk and carry my bag.  I’ll take a carry bag with five clubs if that what it takes to play.  Today, I couldn’t resist.  I started hitting 10 yard pitch shots on our Pebble Beach property.  After ten boring minutes of that,  I decided to take one over all the trees on the property and it landed in the middle of the 13th fairway.  Aha!  There is a swing in there so I proceeded to the 13th hole and started hitting shots from the fairway and fortunately they all traveled straight and true.    I felt like I was at the driving range in Port Marnock in Dublin, Ireland where you have to pick up your own balls.   After an hour of this, I decided to head into the fairway bunkers and see how that would go and I was also pleasantly surprised.  I’m ready…I’m not sure California is.  Connecticut has opened its golf courses and their infection rate is 6X California.

World Match Play Championship

There are significant developments at the Corona Country Club.  Kim Jun Un has been removed with an undisclosed illness.  Shivas commissioned a used Boeing 727 with drone pilots to come in and pick him up along with supplies to build another shed.  Kim’s shed had to be torn down and the surrounding ground and turf decontaminated.  The burning question now is that who will replace Kim.  Trump is happy that he doesn’t have to deal with Kim anymore or try to extricate a 1 iron from the U.S. State Department.  The candidates to replace Kim are Mitch McConnell, El Chapo and Roger Goodell.  It seems that El Chapo is focused on trying to improve his distribution network from his jail cell in New York.  While other prisoners are being released for health reasons, El Chapo isn’t going to be one of them.  Besides, El Chapo is not a golfer and spends most of his time with guns, knives,  shovels and tunnels.  Trump would really like to be joined by Roger Goodell who is very fine player and would add significant capability to the team and increase the  chance for victory.  Roger is also unavailable as he is “knee deep” in moderating the NFL draft and wouldn’t play unless Trump guaranteed him a $100 million.    Alas, we’ll  have to settle for Mitch McConnell since he’s always available and isn’t doing anything in Washington DC anyway.  His golf prowess is suspect but he is the best man available for the task.  Trump grumbles “I really need Mitch in Washington to get things done.”  McConnell’s shed is constructed quickly.  Since Corona didn’t have a lot of inventory, the shed’s materials are a series of used Amazon cartons that carried hot air canisters.  Shivas is puzzled by the entire set of shenanigans, “Who ar thi people, ay,?  Trump is cleaning his clubs with Lysol that he smuggled into his travel bag and hid it under the cot.  Shivas smells a “rat”, “Ay, no substinces can be used on ye clubs, agin the rules of the game.” Xi and Putin are nonplussed.  Xi went to bed with his Japanese driver hoping for some additional magic today.  Putin, as usual, drowned himself in vodka and caviar and emerges with a wry smile that seems to portent more trouble on the golf course.

The match stands at China/Russia vs. USA (now all USA) 1 up.  The fourth hole at Corona is a short par 4 of 267 yards.  It’s a little bit like the 10th hole at Riviera Country Club in Los Angeles.  The hole has a landing area about 150 yards from the tee where a wedge to the green can generate a potential birdie. An attempt to drive the hole is extremely risky and this green is guarded by a gigantic ditch or bern in the front of the green and bunkers on all sides  It’s not possible to extricate a ball hit into this ditch.  Trump decides to go for it with the driver and hits a pretty good shot but it lands in the ditch some 40 yards from the pin.  Immediately, Shivas starts tracking Trump with a special device that will be keep the Amazon drones from failing to detect Trump’s wearabouts or ball position as he approaches the green.  A special horn will sound if any hanky panky is detected.  McConnell stands up to the ball with a five iron trying to drive it into the fairway.  After a few “whiffs”, he manages to hit a “bug f….er” down the middle about 75 yards with enough torque to clear the high grass and settle into the fairway.  As soon as his ball comes to rest, the horn sounds near the green at the fourth hole.  Ah yes, Trump tried to drop a new gutta percha out of his pocket onto the green–he has been caught this time..and Shivas yells, “Ye out of thi hole,”  McConnell continues to struggle ends up in the ditch and loses his glasses trying to hit out of the ditch.  This will be a problem as the match moves ahead.  McConnell holes out for a nine. Xi kisses his Japanese driver and takes a mighty blow which actually sails over the green into the back bunker.  The bunkers are steep and penal and he has a downhill lie-after failing to get out of the bunkers-he smashes one through the green into the ditch.  Xi remembers that he read something in Chinese Golf World about not taking risk and multiplying mistakes.  He takes a drop out of the ditch and calmly 2 putts for an 8.  Putin is enjoying all of this–he feels, as usual, that he is totally in control of the situation and that Xi has his back.  Putin hits a few wedges in front of the green, hits another wedge into the back bunker and disappears for a while.  Finally after a short nap, he two putts for an 8.

Best ball:  Xi/Putin 8

Match:  Xi/Putin 2 UP.

Trump is angry and upset.  He wants a new playing partner, he’s threatening Xi with additional tariffs if he keeps it up.  He’s blaming McConnell for poor execution (what else is new?) and is demanding improving or else he’ll unilaterally open up the State of Kentucky.  Shivas is becoming concerned…

Corona is considering a soft opening so we may get two holes in next week.  There is no practice range or anything else and all Lysol and Clorox products have been confiscated.  Scott Van Pelt is reporting that there is a rumor that Corona CC might be located in Georgia, or maybe Belarus or maybe Burma–still a mystery.